Friday, April 1, 2011

I could become the next Monica Lewinsky

So my most favorite purse was this leather brown purse with 2 pockets on the outside and one large center pocket. And I think a side slit pocket too. The best fucking thing about this purse is there was a light in it. I know it doesn't sound spectacular, but trust me it was. You opened the purse an the light came on, You closed it and it went off, if they purse stayed open to long, the light went off.

It was a thing of beauty. I never ever had to dump out my purse to find my keys. I never had some random fruit snack laying at the bottom of my purse. This could be because I did not have children then but that is not really the point. The point is I don't have that purse anymore. Not because the battery went dead, because you could easily replace it so the light worked forever. No it was small, and I have graduated to a purse that you can keep 4 diapers, wipes, fruit snacks, animal crackers, 2 sippy cups or 2 juice boxes, a spare change of clothes for 2,  bill fold, pen, Kleenex, a book in case I can catch a second or two for reading, cell phone and keys.....I know I am forgetting something. But the point is my little leather light up purse can only hold my book and keys and the outside pockets are so big I would loose my cell phone. I mean this was back in the day when Nokia was popular the outside cell phone pockets were HUGE.

Well the point is I think every purse and diaper bag needs a light and I am not sure why it is not a standard in all bags. Seriously people!!! We have the Magic Bullet (the mini blender, not the sexy toy) being sold at local convenience stores!!! There are JEANS that you can wear to bed!!!!! A Pillow thats a Pet!!! Shoes that make your ass smaller!!!!! And I have to dump out my God damn purse all the effing time to find my effing keys, or random fruit snack.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Does anyone know how to recall an email?

So at my new job I had the following conversation.

Me: I love your cat. (pointing at picture of yellow cat on desk)
Person I have never spoken to before this: Thanks she is so cute.
Me: I use to have a cat similar to that, but he went missing. I kind of thought your kitty was my kitty, but its not.
Person: (Looking at me like a I am freak)
Me: Oh! Wait that sounds creepy. Well I know its not my cat cause the other day when you were gone I got up real close to the photo and checked to see if it was my cat and it wasn't so don't worry you can keep him
Person: (Look of horror) (Sideways look of horror from person in cubical next to Person)
Me: (in a panic, rambling) No. Wait, its okay if it would have been my cat I would have let you keep it, I mean you look like one of those people who really loves your pets, you know with 3 photos of the same cat on your desk in silver frames. So it is not like I would have asked for my cat back or anything, I just want to know that my cat is okay. Okay now I sound crazy and I'm not, well if you ask my shrink he'll tell you differently. (lol awkward laugh) Wow, go me. This is the first time we have spoken and I am going off like a crazy person, taking your cat, and it not being my cat, taking it, and and and..........I'm going to just slowly walk away now.

Later that day I sent an email trying to recover the whole situation.

To: Person
Subject: First Impressions


 I was just hopping that I could ask you to forget the conversation we had earlier today. I am starting a new job and don't want to come off as a creepy and I am not really, creepy that is. But if you could just forget anything and all that I said past my comment about your pretty cat that would be great. I hope that someday we will be cubemates and can laugh about this moment and share crazy cat stories and other great anticit. So to wrap up me not crazy, you have a great cat that Im not going to take.


Monday, January 3, 2011

So many Failures so little time.

I have not cooked a successful meal since my last entry. Several nights we have turned to cereal for sustenance. Lets recap;
            Roast in the crock pot-Rubber has a smoother texture.
            Lasagna- Siphoned off about 2/3 cup of water after it was baking.
            Taco Chili- I can not even detail what happened to this but it was not good.
            Chicken pot pie- the dough was burnt and raw all at the same time.
            Hamburgers and fries- Charcoal hockey pucks and greasy limp fries.
            Breakfast-This one was pretty good actually, french toast, eggs, sausage.
            Roasted Chicken with potatoes- Flavorless
            Homemade chicken and noodles- Also a substitute for Glue.

The Sugar Cookies we baked for Santa were so dry that the Reindeer had cotton mouth. I think I baked something else in there too a cake or some brownies that were a complete disaster and the Glad trash bag was the only thing that got a taste.

I don't know what my problem is with cooking. I have used several different methods of cooking, oven, stove top, crock pot and all of them are a fail. On Facebook one of my friends told me to cook in the crock pot because it is idiot proof. Well mine must not have an idiot setting, I should look into an upgrade.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

2011 Resolutions

1. Talk less, Listen more.
                    I am chatty, and sometimes I remember more ofwhat I say than what people said to me. So this resolution has become my resolution each year for the past several years.

2. Less bruises on my daughter.
                    I have a ten month old that has been walking since seven months, since her determination is farther ahead than her coordination she falls down a lot. Its horrible how many bruises are on her head. I can not tell you the amount of times she has fallen in this week let alone her life time. I can tell you my son has had 3 falls that were cause for concern. I can remember several times with Kayla that I contemplated if we were headed to the emergency room. The first time she fell down the stairs, in my defense I don't think she hit all 13 of the steps on her way down. The second time I was holding her and we both fell, in that instance as I was falling and trying to catch her Iwas able to think durning the fall if I should call my husband first or 911, she then toppled down the stairs literally head over heals and I knew I was calling 911 first. The timeI dropped her on her face while at the Doctors office was a particularly bad day for me. Followed by the day I ran her head into a wall at the Doctors office was also not a day I would like to repeat. Please take your hand away from calling child protective services. My Doctor says that my daughter is completely 100% in good health and shape and that I am a great Mom. I am not convinced of my abilities. But 2011 is a new year and since my daughter will be going back to day care I am sure she will be in better care than she has been with me. Parenting fail for me.

3. Loose inches and or weight.
               When I look at my naked body in the light (as opposed to candle light, hey its forgiving) my body looks as if it is doing the wave at a football game. And it is not cute. My husband good bless his soul (as well as wavy body as well) he says I am still the best looking piece of ass around. (I share his attraction) In shopping for new work clothes I found that I can no longer fit into my old size, and I can nto fit into the size above me. So I am looking to wear dresses until I can fit into my old clothes. You know they do have some rather business like looking mumus these days. With the right accessories I feel I could pull it off.

4. Do not let Daughter consume inedible items.

Do you see that?? That is what I pulled out of her mouth today. To get this she opened a box of picture frames, pulled out the Styrofoam and then ate it. All in a span of one minute!!! She is like a baby ninja with this crap. She loves eating crayons, chalk, dog hair, paper, lint. Parenting fail!
5. Keep the house clean and the car clean.
             This was suggested by my husband. I feel no need to make any discussion about this "resolution" as I am trying to keep a straight face I mean an open mind about the idea.

There you have it 2011 here I come.

The Third Time is a Charm!!! Garbage Cookie Success!!

Today I made Garbage cookies.
 I am aspiring to be a good cook here. Maybe because of my love of the Food Network Channel or Top Chief or maybe it is just the simple fact that I express my love through food like my Mother did and her Mother did.  I would rate my self as a decent cook. I can whip things up in a flash for a meal and most of the time it is good enough for seconds. Now when I am down or troubled by something my cooking suffers and we normally end up order out because it is that inedible. My point is The sight I got the Garbage cookie recipes out of is my new idol. She is like a Mini Martha, maybe her linens are not pressed the right way but did you see her stuff?? She has the most amazing inside out cakes I have ever seen!!! There is a bat in this one. How about these adorable cherry cookies-adorable. And for the holidays.

On with my success, I put mini m and m's, semi sweet chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, and coconut in the cookies. Simple Scrumptious.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Test Recipie- Captia Crunch bars

First let me say Melted marshmallow makes EVERYTHING better. And Even thought I though Captain Crunch French Toast was the highest level of culinary heaven you could get I was wrong.
(an authors note, A Monte Cristo, is as close as you can get to heaven)

Yummmm, droooool, Hey Focus.

Well I made traditional crispy treats, melted butter, marsh mellows and then added as much Captain Crunch with Berries as I could. Santa is getting one hell of a treat this year!!!

Divas likes them too.

Since I was on a roll, I whipped up a batch of Homemade Monkey bread. I made a general butter roll dough, Then Avery and I rolled it into balls, dredged it in butter and then cinnamon, brown sugar and sugar, tossed it into a pan and then let it rise.

Which the dough refused to do. After 2 hours of waiting for air to enter my dough I gave up and baked it. Needless to say the dough balls fried in the butter and cinnamon mixture and hardened.

 They taste like crunchy sugar nuggets. So Fail.

 I wonder if this is how they came up with captain crunch in the first place?? Maybe some frosting or marshmallows will help, but I doubt it.

Test Recipie-Peanut Butter Cookies

I found this recipe in Better Homes 100 Best Cookies-Love on a sheet pan. Well there is no love for the Peanut Butter Cookies. I found them to be not peanut buttery enough and just plain. Maybe I should dip them in chocolate but they are not doing anything for me. Here is the recipe in case you too are looking for disappointment.

Classic Peanut Butter Cookies

1/2 C Butter
1/2 C Peanut Butter
1/2 C Sugar
1/2 C brown sugar
1/2 t baking soda
1/2 t baking powder
1 egg
1/2 t vanilla
1 1/4 c flour

preheat oven to 375. combine butter and peanut butter. Add Sugars, baking soda and powder. Beat till combined, beat in eggs and vanilla. Beat in as much flour as you can stir in remaining w wooden spoon. Cover and chill one hour. Shape dough balls in to one inch balls roll in sugar, with the tines of fork flatten balls by making crisscross marks, bake for 7 to 9 minutes.

Again it was a fail for me. But most baking experiences are, cookies, breads, bars, normally a fail for me. I am hoping with this new challenge of cooking of baking new recipes each week will expand my culinary abilities.